Today is the 2nd last day of Intai-Intai Restaurant's Ramadan Buffet, of which Bad and I were part of for the past 1 month. I must say that I have mixed feelings about facing this weekend.
For one, it means that our short term consultancy deal at Intai2 ends, and what follows is a scary period filled with un-certainties and grayness. Secondly, it means that Eid Ul Fitr is upon us, which has always been my least favourite time of the year. More so in 2009, where everything that can go wrong, HAS gone wrong for me and my little family.......or what is left of it.
My best friend and companion.......has forsaken me. She failed to realise how much I wanted to dig myself out of this pit...she failed to notice how much I've changed for the better, she failed to understand how much my family meant to me, and she failed to acknowledge that I didn't want to be in this situation.
I am but a zombie going through the paces just for the sake of going through it. Life is almost meaningless, EXCEPT when I'm with my lovely daughters. But, having said that, I can't stop thinking about what a lousy life I'm giving my girls, and that they obviously deserve better.
I have failed at being a good husband, though I don't think it's entirely my fault, and now I'm close to failing as a good Dad, which I can't accept.
So, here I am.....just a broken guy who is severely depressed, and starting to harbour thoughts about ending it all. I know I shouldn't think about it, it is sinful, and it will bring sorrow to my family, especially my Mum and kids. But, who really cares about what I feel? Most, if not all my friends have deserted me. Fair wheather friends they are called, but hey.....you can't force people to like you. My own family members can't be bothered if I sink or float, even though I know that I am my own responsibility. But perhaps once I'm gone, they'll appreciate me for who I am, not for my past mistakes.
When my mind wanders, it is consumed in planning how best to do it....a messy fall from a tall building....or a clean sleeping pill overdose......or maybe a smelly car filled with exhaust smoke?? Choices....choices.....but the end result will be bliss for the shell that is Azlan. Yes, I am but a shell, a shadow of my former self.....one who was so genuinely passionate about life and loves to help people and make people laugh.
But, when I need it most, who is it that is making me laugh or asking me how I'm coping? My girls do make me laugh out loud as I see a lot of me in their antics. But, I can't bear the thought of them growing up without the perfect life that they so rightly deserve. When I need it most, who is there who cares enough to ask if I need a helping hand?
So, let's just see how this coming week turns out. Yes, I am giving myself one more week before I make a final decision to go where the sun don't shine. I hope and pray that my fortune changes for the better, otherwise, my poor daughters will have to go through life without a Dad who loves them more than he loves himself, and my poor Mum will have to bury a son who she gave birth to 40 years ago... I know it sounds selfish of me, but I'm only a person made of flesh and bones....not stone.
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