Hari Raya 2009 in Batu Pahat - Recollections and Reflections

We got up at 6am and by 630am the car was loaded and we were on our way to Ayer Kerok Rest Area to rendezvous with Unc Saidi. It was lovely drive with not that many cars on the road, we got to Ayer Keroh by 930am. The girls kept busy playing at the playground, while I had a much needed breakfast of sardine sandwiches and Nescafe O. When Unc Saidi arrived, we joined them at the food court for breakfast.

We left Ayer Keroh at 10am, and after exiting Tangkak, we headed for a new road from Muar to Batu Pahat, which was mush longer in distance, but we enjoyed up to 8 beautiful wooden Malay houses that were painted in vibrant colours. Somehow Cik Kah felt that we've lost our way, so she rushed to the Land Office to pay her cukai tanah. In the rush, Unc Saidi banged his head as he went through the gate, and ended up with a deep gash and blood flowing down his face. Got out my Franch oil and plaster to patch him up, then he walked off with Ashraf to look for a clinic.

While he was gone, I went to the Jabatan Ukur at the Federal Building to try to get my hands on a map of Bagan. A guy there showed me 2 plans that shows every piece of land from Peserai till Parit Hj Moin. He's willing to sell these plans at RM25 a piece under table, so I agreed to meet him at 1pm, and gave him RM10 intially. Picked up Unt Norli and brought Unc Saidi to a nearby clinic, which ended up being a maternity clinic, who sewed Unc Saidi up for RM98!!

Left for Tok Uteh's (Hjh Kasmirah) home for the kenduri kahwin at 1pm. Met Unc Seth and missus at the entrance, and after quickly locating a table near the buffet, the clan sat down for some serious eating. The food was absolutely delicious, the rice yummy, the beef fantastic, the lamb out of this world. Somehow I filled my plate with 3 scoops of rice, and I'm proud to admit that I finished every grain of rice. Next stop was Nek Saepah's house, where we spent an hour chatting with Unt Encah and Nek Saepah, who can't walk and only moves about on all fours.

After some photo taking, we left for aruah Tok Encik's house in Bekok, Yong Peng. After the heavy kenduri lunch, it was challenging to keep my eyes open, but we got there safely at 230pm. Our gracious hosts made a fuss and served us delicious mee hoon goreng, which we devoured like wolves (forgetting that we literally finished the lauk kenduri just an hour earlier!!!) Then we just lazed about and chatted with my relatives, some of whom I'm meeting for the first time. After maghrib prayers with Mat Sarip as imam, it was a simple dinner or jantung pisang masak lemak, pecal and steaming white rice. After a long goodbye, its a drive back to Pak Busu's house, where one by one we fell asleep like flies. Alyssa was in the room with Mak whiel Adriana was with me in front of the TV.

Early the next morning, I heard Pak Busu & Unt Norli leaving the house to go to the market. They came back with bags of lontong, mee hoon goreng and nasi lemak, which we again devoured like the hungry wolves that we are!! First stop was Tok Pah and Nek Gayah's place in Peserai. Their front lawn has been tarred over, with a nice extension running the entire front of the house. Nek Gayah was busy making her famous jelly when we got there. Adriana & Alyssa loved the open spaces and ran about with Mizi in tow. I sat at the dinner table with Tok Pah and Mak, and talked about Raya of yesteryears. I'm sad that his memory is fading, but he still had some interesting and sharp memories of the 40's and 50's, remarkable for a 92 year old man.

Nek Gayah's memory is pretty intact, but at least she can still move around on the wheelchair. She even remembers my breath holding spells when I was still a todler, which was funny but still embarrassing after all these years!!

Mak Yam's house was next, which was Nek Wook's house, across the road from Nek Saepah's shop house. It was a beautiful house painted yellow with white borders, and because I didn;t have a camera, I made a rough sketch so that I can remember this trip in years to come. Adriana and Alyssa found a ball, and played with Mizi in the lawn. After taking a group photo, we left for Nek Kon's house which is further down the lane from Nek Saepah's old shop house.
While looking for the house, we saw a beautiful Malay house with wooden carvings and stained glass windows. Nek Kon's house was decorated in an English Country theme, and we were served Sarsi and ate some really cute and delicious Raya cookies.

Next we went to Mak's cousins house, who is a maths professor but I can't remember his name. He has 9 kids, and I spent some time updating our family tree with their names and birthdates. His daughter is on Facebook, so we exchanged e-mail addresses and promised to keep in touch.

At 3pm we arrived at Parit Besar burial plot, and noticed some new houses and recently tarred road. While the family was at Datuk's grave, I explored the whole plot looking for new graves not on my list, as well as cleaning up some missing details. Located Nek Sol's grave, which I missed the last time I was there.

We then left for the Rest House for lunch/tea sponsored by Cik Kah. Got a long table, and Cik Kah ordered mee hailam, nasi goreng, telur dadar and jugs of kasturi asam boi. When the food arrived, we literally attacked it like there's no tomorrow, so we ended up with another plate of mee hoon hailam and nasi goreng. After a long goodbye at Pak Busu's place, we set off for Unt Kepol's place in Sg Mati, which we reached at 630pm. After a delicious dinner of crispy fish, fried egg and white rice, we left Sg Mati at 859pm with the car loaded with bags of duku langsat.

While everyone settled down and slept, I enjoyed a quiet 2 hours by myself. I reflected on my life in general, the relatives I met during this short trip and those I didn't meet, the family tree and the responsibility of keeping it updated, what life will be like after we get home, what I plan to do with my life, as well as how I will cope during this transitional period. We got home safely at 11pm, and after lying Alyssa down in Mak's room, I blacked out with Adriana beside me at 1130pm.

All in all, I'm glad we went back to Batu Pahat, and even though my family was not complete this year, I hope that next year's Raya will bring a different fortune to us all, and less grief to me personally, insyallah.

25th Sept 09 - A new beginning

It was a chilly morning that greeted me when Adriana got up from her deep sleep and wished me "good morning Daddy" in the darkness.

My creaky body somehow survived the drive from Batu Pahat, albeit with slight aches here and there. Mak was busy doing some spring cleaning of the cupboard, so I dived into the newspaper while the girls kept busy building a house around their little world using Mak's throw cushions.

It is Friday today, and somehow I feel much better, emotionally and sprititually. The sobering sight of my senior family members like Tok Pah who is 92 this year, Nek Kon who is 90, and Nek Saepah who is 80+ made me think how it must feel to be surrounded by so many descendants who love and care for you all these years.

What I will do from now on is to retrace my roots, and seek out the new me, one who is braver to face a changing world, one who is not scared of taking risks, one who is much more devoted to his family, and will continue to seek out ways to build a better life.

I will also be more positive in my outlook to life, with the end result being a better life for my children, be it in the material or sprititual form, insyallah.

Wednesday, 16th Sept 09 - A Week Of Reckoning

Today is the 2nd last day of Intai-Intai Restaurant's Ramadan Buffet, of which Bad and I were part of for the past 1 month. I must say that I have mixed feelings about facing this weekend.

For one, it means that our short term consultancy deal at Intai2 ends, and what follows is a scary period filled with un-certainties and grayness. Secondly, it means that Eid Ul Fitr is upon us, which has always been my least favourite time of the year. More so in 2009, where everything that can go wrong, HAS gone wrong for me and my little family.......or what is left of it.

My best friend and companion.......has forsaken me. She failed to realise how much I wanted to dig myself out of this pit...she failed to notice how much I've changed for the better, she failed to understand how much my family meant to me, and she failed to acknowledge that I didn't want to be in this situation.

I am but a zombie going through the paces just for the sake of going through it. Life is almost meaningless, EXCEPT when I'm with my lovely daughters. But, having said that, I can't stop thinking about what a lousy life I'm giving my girls, and that they obviously deserve better.
I have failed at being a good husband, though I don't think it's entirely my fault, and now I'm close to failing as a good Dad, which I can't accept.

So, here I am.....just a broken guy who is severely depressed, and starting to harbour thoughts about ending it all. I know I shouldn't think about it, it is sinful, and it will bring sorrow to my family, especially my Mum and kids. But, who really cares about what I feel? Most, if not all my friends have deserted me. Fair wheather friends they are called, but hey.....you can't force people to like you. My own family members can't be bothered if I sink or float, even though I know that I am my own responsibility. But perhaps once I'm gone, they'll appreciate me for who I am, not for my past mistakes.

When my mind wanders, it is consumed in planning how best to do it....a messy fall from a tall building....or a clean sleeping pill overdose......or maybe a smelly car filled with exhaust smoke?? Choices....choices.....but the end result will be bliss for the shell that is Azlan. Yes, I am but a shell, a shadow of my former self.....one who was so genuinely passionate about life and loves to help people and make people laugh.

But, when I need it most, who is it that is making me laugh or asking me how I'm coping? My girls do make me laugh out loud as I see a lot of me in their antics. But, I can't bear the thought of them growing up without the perfect life that they so rightly deserve. When I need it most, who is there who cares enough to ask if I need a helping hand?

So, let's just see how this coming week turns out. Yes, I am giving myself one more week before I make a final decision to go where the sun don't shine. I hope and pray that my fortune changes for the better, otherwise, my poor daughters will have to go through life without a Dad who loves them more than he loves himself, and my poor Mum will have to bury a son who she gave birth to 40 years ago... I know it sounds selfish of me, but I'm only a person made of flesh and bones....not stone.